Curiosity vs. Shame

Curiosity vs. Shame

I bring up a concept in session quite frequently that I call “Curiosity vs. Shame.”

It’s based on the idea that most of us develop an inner critic early on—one that tries to corral us into doing better using shame, punishment, and whatever other draconian means it believes are necessary.

We end up beating ourselves up almost automatically, without stopping to question whether that actually works. On some level, we trust that it must lead to change. After all, we’ve been doing it for so long…might as well stick with it. Sunk cost, right?

But what we now understand about the brain tells a different story: self-shaming doesn’t help us change—it shuts down our ability to think clearly.

In my work, I often help clients “bring their prefrontal cortex back online”—the part of the brain responsible for planning, creativity, and meaningful change.

So instead of piling on criticism, I might say something like: “Okay—maybe you’re not happy with how you showed up for your kids this morning, or how you handled that social situation. But instead of beating yourself up, let’s pause for a moment and get curious.

What would you want to do next time?

Not what your inner critic is yelling that you should have done—but what would actually feel good, aligned, or different?”

This shift—from shame to curiosity—is deceptively simple but deeply challenging. Because the real work isn’t just identifying what you’d prefer to do next time. It’s also recognizing what got in the way—and taking those barriers seriously. Not dismissing them with a quick “I should know better.” But seeing them clearly. Respecting them. Understanding that they are real. If we’re going to face those barriers next time, we need a plan.

But we can’t make a plan when our brain is shut down with self-criticism. That’s the paradox: the very strategy we rely on to force change—shame—is the thing that makes change impossible. It’s only when we gently shift into curiosity that we reopen access to the parts of ourselves that can reflect, adapt, and try again.

Curiosity doesn’t mean letting yourself off the hook. It means giving yourself a fighting chance.