Curiosity Vs. Shame
I often bring up a concept in session that I call Curiosity vs. Shame.
Almost all of us have inner critics. We take for granted that these critics will prod us into shape, keep us on the straight and narrow, and encourage us to change. We rarely stop and notice how truly ineffective this strategy is. And unfortunately, we can’t just criticize ourselves out of it. If only it were that easy.
At the risk of simplifying neuroscience too much, I keep in mind a few broad areas and systems of the brain when I’m working with clients. Deeper in the brain, there’s the amygdala, which helps detect threat and activate our stress, or “fight or flight” response. There’s also the broader limbic system, which is heavily involved in emotion. And toward the front of the brain, there’s the prefrontal cortex, or PFC, which is involved in many of the higher-level thinking capacities humans are known for: abstract thinking, complex decision-making, planning, and creativity. When our threat and emotional systems become highly activated, we have less access to the flexible, reflective thinking associated with the PFC.
Guess what shame and inner criticism can do? Just that. They can make it harder to access the kind of flexible thinking we need. Our inner critic tends to inspire negative emotions, especially shame, which can be particularly painful, and it can even send us into fight or flight, where our thinking becomes more black and white.
This is why, in sessions, I like to work on a body level to calm down the nervous system and give space and attention to emotions, which helps us process them. When we use these somatic techniques effectively, we can bring our higher-level thinking and planning capacities back online. It’s only then that we can apply curiosity and constructiveness to an issue that, until now, we’ve just continuously beaten ourselves up for.
It doesn’t take a ton of regulation to get to that point, nor are regulation exercises and techniques always necessary. Sometimes just shifting our focus from “I should have done X instead” to a more curious and constructive frame will help. I often lead with, “What would help me behave differently next time? Are there barriers that tend to get in the way of the desired behavior, and how do I support myself in addressing those barriers?” This curious line of questioning can sometimes regulate the body from the top down. Simply applying curiosity puts us in a better, more constructive headspace, which tends to calm our bodies down.
Just remember, next time you’re beating yourself up, try asking questions instead and getting curious about how you can best support yourself in achieving the change you desire. Curiosity isn’t merely being nicer to yourself. It gives you access to useful information about what actually prevented the desired behavior, which means you can make a realistic plan for next time.
Good things grow out of curiosity, not shame.
Bolton Landing, NY - Sept 2026